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and it is going to happen. i am going to see my bloody valentine!
tonight. all i know is i will be happy regardless cause i am going
with my oldest and one of my most beloved friends: rachel, thank you
and i love you bunches. yay! so extra super duper fantastic excited!

xo's: audra  (:

Current Location: kitchen.
Current Mood: ecstatic ecstatic
Current Music: the chariot.

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r.i.p. mr. carlin

"always do whatever is next"

“i have as much authority as the Pope, i just don't have as many people who believe it.”

“if God had intended us not to masturbate he would've made our arms shorter”

“inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist”

just a few for a strange monday. i am off to more job searching. seriously i may just have to go to portland. death is an odd mistress. . . yep.

Current Location: anywhere
Current Mood: thoughtful thoughtful
Current Music: just my thoughts

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frustration. yes this is what i feel as of late. things could be worse, i have a roof over my head, food to sustain me, the love of my family and friends, a vehicle in good enough condition, a comfy bed. . . so i am not ungrateful. the main thing is the majority of job interview i have done they do not want me because i have the degrees therefore the [possible] employers feel i would expect too much money to work an entry level job, at this point though i would take any job i have even contemplated going back to the 'bucks for a moment until i find a full-time position though the thought of doing so makes me feel sick to my stomach, so i do not think that would be the smartest move. ugh! then on top of all that i have a person who i thought was a good girlfriend [female confidant, buddy, secret keeper, etc.] and for some reason she thinks i have gotten in the way of her reign of our friends and now she has been acting out and being all types of crazy, sociopath style, which yes many females can be this way but i just keep wondering what the hell i did to her to feel justified to to try and destroy me. the crappiest part is she knows my history and everything i have been through and i think, "dude i have dealt with so much fucking crap in my life and now she wants to mess with my life and friendships, shee-it that is all i have going for me, are my friendships...." now if i were dating a guy and she was fucking my man, who the hell cares good riddance to the both of them but that is not the case, this is solely platonic relationships she is fucking with of mine and i am tired of it. i am nothing but nice to her and if she wants or when she finally 'confronts' me again i am going to make her wish she lived in a hole in the grounds of the yukon territories where she could peacefully sit and think of all the atrocities she has committed. yes it is harsh, i am just peeved and needed to vent.

in all this though i am glad i do not feel bitter and i realize i can put up with a lot and in general i have amazed my self, tehe.

i hope this ends up being a great week for all of you and much love peoples (:

xo's: audra

Current Location: the recliner
Current Mood: amused amused
Current Music: the humming of the ceiling fans

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today i miss you.

last week it was 2 years ago that you went in to the hospital, never to come back.

i still hear scooby-doo laughing in the distance.

i poured some beer out for you tuesday, not as a joke, though most people laughed.

there are a few who relate. and i love them more than they will ever know.

words are hard to come by nowadays.

you know you were the best: my tale teller.

you exist as i exist as we all continue on.

just existence, now a myriad of meanings.

and all i want is to find just one


but the obvious, i have yet to find.


Current Location: soon to be bed
Current Mood: contemplative contemplative
Current Music: some symphony on the radio

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frank, why do we always end up with the same results, lol!

and for some randomness:
[props to i* for inspiring me]

  • walking through rain barefoot
  • lazy sundays in bed
  • playing halo w/ mike e.
  • holding my breath forever
  • hop-scotch
  • tetherball
  • "i'm going to kiss you now"
  • cloves
  • the smell of clean skin
  • moving a hair from my forehead
  • "blowaneyelashwish"
  • third eye foundation
  • high llamas
  • bullfrogs and butterflies
  • not boring, not mind-blowing - just sex
  • high fives.
  • broken eyeglasses
  • flip-flops
okee, yeah like i said randomness. it is very cathartic i definitely know why people like to make such random lists  (:

off to fill out more applications, ugh!

hopefully by the end of this week, or at most the end of this month i will be employeed!

xo's: audra

Current Location: recliner
Current Mood: calm calm
Current Music: just humming

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will be four years ago that mike e. and i got hitched. it is strange how in my rational mind that does not seem like it was as long ago as it has felt. four years. seems like so little compared to a lifetime but when that lifetime consisted of only three years it feels like an enternity ago [whatever that feels like].

so why you ask i am writing this today? well tomorrow i am finally meeting with david harper [my new boss] to check out the location of the group homes i will be working in, though now there is a dilemma. yesterday when i spoke with him he offered me a guaranteed forty hours a week for 5 to 6 weeks [one staff is going to be out on medical leave], but they are graveyard shifts. wednesday through saturday. the month of may, which as most of you know the majority of my friends are may babies, therefore i would be missing out on everyone's birthday, but as of the time i really need money i am considering taking the offer. so tomorrow i will have to give my answer. i am hoping that something a little more suitable in the schedule might open up for me tomorrow [big sigh]. so keep your best thoughts and such out for me in my decision.

and tomorrow i will not have time to be online so here it is:




Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.

Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
Scribbling on the sky the message He Is Dead,
Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves,
Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.

He was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last for ever: I was wrong.

The stars are not wanted now: put out every one;
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun;
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood.
For nothing now can ever come to any good.

W.H. Auden - Funeral Blues [1936]

R.I.P. Mike E.

"death to the pilgrims" -kz  

so while you are out throughout the rest of the month, have one for the "homey" the bestest friend anybody could have had as a part of their "dynamic duo".

love ya guys.

xo's: audra

Current Location: the couch
Current Mood: loved loved

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sometimes i just do not know what to do. things are odd:

1. i did my training for my 'job' this week (and it was paid training!) i handed in all the paper work that had plagued me the previous week, lo and behold no one has contacted me. i am confused by this i know they are busy so i have to get business in order on monday. i am just plain tired of waiting on people who do not realise the severity of problems my joblessness has created.

2. i have been doing a lot of reading though. i have already finished three books in the past two-ish weeks. it has been awesome. after finishing school and then mike e. dying i just could not bring my self to read anything. a ginormous piece of me died with that whole experience and so no real novel/book reading in almost two years (gasp!). though now it is wonderful and it was like running in to an old lover at a smoky bar - flipped through a few pages and realised "i want this". and it is fantastic.

3. i have come to the firm belief that being female (a majority of the time) just plain sucks. sure there are lots of good things that any and every one would list off, though i would gladly give the girly, quixotic, melancholy, temperamental, insanity of my femaleness away in a flash (and not a hot flash, fuck just something else to look forward to!). i do not think it is the worst thing in the whole but right now as i have a ridiculous crush on a younger person, who makes me feel all types of mush makes me want to vomit at myself.

4. i state the previous cos in five more days it would have been the fourth wedding anniversary. it is strange. i am so conflicted with emotions. i felt suffocated with mark. and i felt he kept trying to be another mike e. for me and that was just a complete mess. and thus mark started stalking me a bit. then i figure i obviously need to be to myself and single, which is true, though of course my silly self once again is smitten and not at all in a usual way for me, so that is prolly where all the "girliness" comes in. basically in the long run i miss mike e. i still think about him daily. though not in the way that most people would think. he was the most awesome friend and champion and i knew it would not last for ever. so now with new faces and friends i just have to wait.

and as everyone who has ever been around me long enough. i hate to wait!

okee. well that is my rant for the day.

xo's: audra

Current Location: the kitchen
Current Mood: confused confused
Current Music: smashing pumpkins

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damn it! fuck it all.

that is what i have to say about today man, talk about the universe's bad side.

go to have my TB test and health screening, $70 dollars, after being quoted $30, oh hell no!
go to DMV for history print-out, line around building, fuck that!
go to do my Live Scan, everything looks a go. wait, licensing number on person's part incorrect, "well i can push it through, but it will be $54 instead of $20" hahahaha, yeah right.
go home, "i am going to act like this day never existed, can't get worse"
go look at my phone, text message from the boy, "i'll have to take a rein check. looks like  crisis will not be resolved today"
go to bitch about it to friend, realise i am being ridiculous.


what a massive headache of a day! i am still bummed out. i know it will pass. and i posted it on the space blog, but i will put it here to, after such a bad day and thinking i have hit a bad one, i remember that this is still me. thanks zip:

in a world where so many people are flavor of the month, audra is like a radio station that you can go to like a blanket, broadcasting impossible cool and wonderful comforting things that speak of the possibility and probability of another day. she’s been my friend in the most unfamiliar ways possible, and at the same time, more real to me than people who inflict theirselves on me physically. i love her to the next life and back.

i hope i can always look at this and realise it will be "another day". okee well i am going to go to bed and wake up and it will be a new day and hopefully things will look a little brighter. fuck that, a lot brighter!

love ya guys (:

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Current Location: almost in bed.
Current Mood: morose morose
Current Music: spiritualized

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i have a job interview, please send out your best thoughts, vibes, prayers, voodoo. . . whatever it is that can help me lock this position. it has been quite a difficult time being out of work for this being the third month. ouch!
the funny thing is i am happier than i have been in a really long time, at first being jobless i bummed around, was out almost every night and drunk when i would go out, of course i went through my money really quick and then panic struck and i did my federal tax return to get money and now that is almost gone, got to do my state taxes, lol. i got sick in late february/early march and decided to slow down and now that i have been cleaning houses with my mom for some slight side gas/limited spending money and going out and seeing the people i have missed makes me happy.
i have gotten so sick of television that i have decided that until next fall [when some of the good shows return] my t.v. will solely be for watching films [which by the way i watched "no country for old men" yesterday, i was mesmerized] i had neglected my reading and guitar playing and over the past week i have really gotten in to that again and i feel amazingly good about my life and where it is heading now.
friday i finally read the last story mike e. every wrote and i sent it to his former teacher/mentor susan straight and i hope to hear from her soon and work on getting his works published. part of my major need for a full-time, real adult job which i hope to have on wednesday is so that i can save money to get to sweden, it is there that will be mike's resting place. i have a bit over a year, i want to get there by summer of next year, since jina is going with me and since she is due to give birth ten days before the second anniversary of mike's death we plan next year around the third anniversary we will be in sweden with maddy  celebrating her first year of life [that being madelaine grace, (jina's yet to be born daughter!) i am so happy for her; it is ridiculous how much i already love my second faux niece].

life is a trip. plan and simple.

i am truly grateful for the friends who have been in my life through all the twists and turns. i know that there will be many more and that you will all be there for me. for that there is no end to my appreciation. and then the new people i have met there is also no way of expressing what joy having gotten to know them has brought me. it makes me want to be hopeful for the future and what it brings. an abundance of thanks to you all.

i love you folks (:

xo: audra

Current Location: the backyard
Current Mood: loved loved
Current Music: the the the the

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man! i have been doing so good, remembering my vitamins and eating healthy and lo and behold i get sick. albeit i have not been ill in a while i have been fairly healthful. now that i am not feeling the best i know i will be okee soon. just got to take it easy and when i feel sleepy i need to just sleep.

what really sucks is that i think i am feeling like crap because my body is exhausted about the fact i still have not found a job, i have been cleaning houses with my mom while i have been searching for work. if anyone has any suggestions of places to apply on-line or physically let me know, things just suck right now but i still try not to freak out about, i know things will work out. in either april or june i plan on taking the CBEST, which is to substitute teach. i also think i am going to take ECE courses so that i can teach younger aged children. i just hope something comes along soon. i am running out of money quick. bill payments can eff off.

hopefully i feel better tomorrow and can go out on saturday at least since my friend shareena is having a house warming party.

okee. i think i am done for now before i go off on the whole other tangent about the older i have become the younger it seems that the males that catch my interest become. i wish i could just get over it but i guess it is part of the human condition - wanting to be close to another person, gosh it just seems so ridiculous hopefully it will pass soon and i will just become numb and bitter again. i joke. i joke.

well maybe  ;)

later peoples. i miss you guys.

xo: audra

Current Location: almost in bed.
Current Mood: sick sick
Current Music: humming of the lap top

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